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My writing may reflect emotional turmoil, but that is where it stays. I didn’t get this far being miserly 24/7 😉 Mood swings are a part of AS. I’m working on them, but expecting me to be constantly happy is going to lead you down a long road of disappointment. Lol I am what I am: self proclaimed artist/writer (still developing technique and style), temperamental, cheerful, passionate, loving, depressive, interested in more topics than I can keep track of. If you want a friend with depth, you’ve found her. If you want a facade of sunny delight, you’ve come to the wrong place.

I love hard. I take big risks and I fall hard. I eat the ground even harder. I get back up and repeat, knowing one day it will come together for me. Until then, you will get both cheerful and emo Ally. Lol I dont pull anyone down with me when I am feeling down.  I handle it myself and move on. Stay if you wish to stay. Go if you wish to go. I do not hold grudges and if I do, I work them out eventually.

I cater to no-one and do not expect you to filter yourself. I weed people out, as we all do, as I go. Nothing personal. Quirky is better accepted by some than others.

If I see your soul and I know it to be kind, you and me will do just fine. Live and let live is my motto. It is adhered to. Always.

15 random facts about me (I’m all about openness)

1. Before 15, I was athletic and won several national championships in several different sports. I was put into gymnastics and cheerleading right after I could walk. I have the pictures and awards to back this up. All of this was won when I was young and on teams. My ego has had its humbling after ten years of mistakes and failures. I do not hold this above anyone. It describes my childhood and young adulthood.

2. I have 3public intoxs on my record. I have been sober for two, going on three years now

3. I’ve been a fan of the science fiction and fantasy genres since I was 12

4. I have traveled to ten different countries

5. I am happily married to a wonderful man. One yeae married, but we have dated for three years

6. Bad coffee addiction

7. I put emphasis on self study. I left college four times and now regret that decision. Intellect comes in many different forms, but I love to learn. I’d like to go back to study philosophy and neuropathology

8. My Aspergers diagnosis was at age 23. It was a life changer and cleared up a lot of confusion I had built up over many years of feeling out of place and different

9. I adore my friends

10. I had my appendix removed in Bolivia

11. I used to competitively ballroom dance when.I was a teenager. Well, kind of. I only went to two competitions. I still love to social dance, but it has been a long time since I have been out

12. Love animals. I have a weimaraner named Archie who is a sweetheart

13. Chronidepression since 7 or or 8 years old

14. I don’t have kids. They are fun to be around, but I don’t plan on havingany of my own

15. I’ve worked in retail, as a secretary at a lawfirm for 7 lawyers and their paralegals, in the food industry, and as a barista at Starbucks

16. I’ve solo skydived acouple of times in my.life

17. I have an older sister who is a.professional photographer. We were close as kids, but haven’t hung out since she went to college. We’re 8 years apart. I’m the blacksheep of the family

18. I’m not a fan of corporate media. I watch movies, but haven’t paid attention tv shows in years

19. Born and bred in AR, but moved to Louisiana for my husband’s work. New Orleans fits my vibe pretty well

20. I love owls. I collect coffee mugs, pillows, blankets, key chains, etc. I’m convinced it is my “spirit animal” 😉

21. I have an unhealthy love for wtiting. In Aspie form, it is an obsession. I write on all topics. It depends on what I’m studying, how I’m feeling, and many other factors. It never gets old.

Well. There’s the start of me lol I, for one, like knowing the background of the writer. Hope everyone has a lovely week.

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Economic/Immigration Analysis

Immigration/ Economic Analysis

It all began with globalization.

Communication and transportation innovations made the world economies small enough to start affecting each other. Economics happened. Manufacturing came into play and moved to other nations who could produce higher quality goods at a lower cost. Ex: what the Japanese and Korean cars did to the American car industry. The American car industry (i.e. Ford) paid the Japanese car industry (i.e. Toyota) to come over here and try to teach us how to build cars in 6 Sigma style. That was innovation. Labor entitlements and unions crushed the needed changes proposed by the Japanese model. Fast forward to now and The Great Recession welcomes us.

America did innovate and was able to innovate in other areas:  internet and computer technology, energy, finance, healthcare, etc. When we jeopardize productivity to artificially inflate wages in a given industry or economic sector, it is a mathematical certainty that we will lose long term. Productivity in an industrialized global economy is born out of innovation ( not government, not labor, and not the dying industries of the past). Those old industries are now being fulfilled by emerging economies who understand that creating and capitalizing on opportunity is a better economic strategy than attempting to artificially manage outcomes.

Our economy is not growing near as rapidly as it used to and is responding quite differently to our current economic strain as opposed to recessions and depressions in the past. It is UN-productive. GDP has been either negative or stagnant relative to inflation over the past 6 years.

How do we fix this from an economic standpoint?

Sanction employers who are making profits from exploiting undocumented labor. Aside from short term job losses are the long term public entitlement burdens and the heightened incentive for continued illegal immigration, which remains unaddressed.

Instill real work requirements for welfare and certain entitlements and the current economic sector occupied by illegal labor become quite competitive. The economic implications are the legal implications of a president and a collective of un-elected federal bureaucrats grossly abusing their power against the people’s will and against the clear instructions in our constitution.

This is what happens when you raise minimium wage with no other changes following suit: the cost per hour of labor will artificially rise, reducing economic productivity and so the cost of goods will rise, reducing economic consumption and relative standard of living, and having a compounding effect of eliminating other types of jobs.. Due to this, a certain percentage of Americans are guaranteed to get fired and potentially be forced onto the public dole as a result of that kind of policy, which will eventually increase our debt, deficits, which will increase taxes and show a decrease in economic productivity and global competitiveness.

This will effect “every” family, the middle class and beyond, and it represents the real problem when the government intrudes where it has no businesses operating and essentially creates a situation of legislative malpractice in the name of “equality”.

The government was not designed to solve these kinds of issues. It certainly was never intended to become micromanaging and social engineering. But here we are. Hopefully, these next few years will dig us out of our complete bankruptcy.

Free-write Poem: Where Have I Gone

When you peel me back,

whatever you see,

that may,

or may not,

be me.

If I can not recognize my face,

the soul in my eyes,

shaded in hues,

in mirror image,

assumption points to

faceless borders.

That is not me

so why does that face

keep showing me someone different?

To be faceless whilst

wearing any face

means to wear a mask.

It is not without a false

image.

It is the false

image.

When I look at my face in the mirror,

a twin appears.

My twin is disfigured;

a direct, projectile vomit of

Picasso’s portraitures and abstract faces;

All naked,

layered and misplaced.

I look in the mirror,

confusion mirrors back.

The eyes are not right,

Nor is the nose

Or the shapeless lips

I look again,

I flinch.

Unsatisfied and confused is

a horrid combination.

Look at me, I say to myself,

at this face that is not my face.

It has too much wear in the eyes;

too much shadow around them.

Wear wore down the specifics

and has made me unrecognizable:

to myself,

to the person no longer with soul.

How did this happen and

how did my eyes lose light;

it leaves me feeling half a person

or a person with little of self left;

and I stuff down the worry,

the engulfing numbness

by telling myself that soulful girl

will be back, but

I can not say that for sure

and I am through lying to myself,

to the image I see in the mirror,

the image that is no twin,

like another person,

but is me with little of what made me,

me left

That face deserves better than lies

And false promises

And lost time

And catty friends

And decietful hope

And short words

And harsh criticism

It is all I know

and it has been thought that I wear

an inbisible Scarlet A,

like a brand edged into my muscles

And bones

And organs

And inside my eyes

There is no escaping this shame

That face has known limits

And for someone that was once limitless,

the shame is not just branded,

It has scorched her essence

Those eyes have lost their light

and this face in the mirror

is not me

It is not me

And it never will be

Where am I

It is the lack of soul,

the lack of answers,

that has me questioning

if I have known my burn out

Or maybe,

Perhaps

The soul is only whole when

lost and found

For if there is quality

in this forsaken reality,

maybe it is this touch of lost

that shows how one finds oneself

The pretense is gone

and my soul is calling out

It must be found

for what is anyone

without that inner light

showing what it means

to be present and found

in a world lost and obscure

I want me back

to break the mirror

to weep

and grieve this empty face

But for the moment,

I look for the light

and I call back the soul

that was stolen from me

Maybe there will be time to grieve later

For now, I peel my layers back

and by doing so

I call my soul back to the present

It is not gone

It is hiding

My eye’s light is hidden

And I mean to recapture that light

I beckon my soul back

and I will keep calling it back

until it is found

A found soul brings light

I plan on finding mine

and my shame will dim

and my face will be my face

once again

5 Resolutions

5 Resolutions . Corny as it ma be, I am jumping on the bandwagon this year.

1. Jog a full marathon.  I’ve been wanting to do this for years. I had forgotten how much I love and need to live an active lifestyle. There is too much energy and love for outdoors in me to stay stay holed up indoors. If that goes well, it would be pretty badass to work my way up to an ultramarathon, but that is for the future. As of now, I am going to work on flexibility and endurance.  1 completed marathon is on my checklist for the year.

2. I’m going to volunteer somewhere that is helping either animals or people. A Women’s Shelter, Humane Society, AA sponsor, or at any organization affiliated with helping those down on their luck get back to a spot where they feel they can achieve control back over their lives. I could not have done so without the help from other people. It is with realistic and hopeful goals that I give my resources and help in areas I know all too well. It will help heal me as I help others heal. This may be a part time gig or turn into a more serious endeavor. It is time I gave back in a way that reaches the ones in low spots. I wish to be the type of help that surpasses kind words, the kind of help people remember.

Coming to terms with heavy life questions, I see it is the service of human compassion. I refuse to do so for money. Like many before have stated, money solves little and although helpful to have, it does not take away problems or create miracle cures. I have never been much for working without meaning. Now, I can work the way I was meant to. It is not for respect, it is my responsibility. I will give hope and heal in the way that suits my personality best: no ulterior motives, to rid superficiality from my life, and to meet people on their level and “know” them through periods of life where it shows human spirit in its flaws and goodness.

3. I will speak with anger if I am angry; I will speak with happiness if I am happy;  I will speak with sadness if I am sad; and I will speak with honesty and clarity in both trivial and serious issues. I will never water myself down to rules that take away human vulnerability. I will not speak with kindness to what is wrong and cruel in life. Labels and criticism will be met with different versions of me depending on the topic. I will be known for both my wrath and humility. I have thought long and hard. These are open to change as is everything if new information comes up to refute my way of thinking.

Every decision made will be thought out and the way I live will never follow another’s dictates on what or how they view life or situations. It will be known that I am as hard as I am soft and neither are dependent on anyone. My understanding will be through listening to another’s view, but my mind and behaviour will be based solely on personal decisiveness. Nobody is blamed, ridiculed, or shown lacking. Thoughts and actions will be placed where placement belongs.

I will be and say my truth and people may come and go as they please without gudges felt or had on my behalf. I will answer to no person for my.personality. If anyone so chooses to confront me, they will be met with my inner fire or water depending on what I think best to eliminate barriers or misunderstanding.  I do not believe in halfassing anything. My personality is not here to please you and your way of thought. I am here to act and to speak with integrity, how I define such, and my person will not be approached or met without real consideration on if someone is ready to meet me in fire or water. I do not act aggressively or with calm without consideration on all angles. I will do the ugly to prevent that ugly from spreading without pause. It is not a topic open for discussion. Respect it or criticize, I will still do what I consider to be best. Few see my full anger and it is rare I will cut a person down to make a serious point. If I do, know it isn’t with glee. It is as serious as my anger is once pushed that far.

There is a poetic ginger in me…thoughtlessly coming at me will get you no where if you do so in superficiality or ignorance. I will not tell you who or what to be or that you are wrong or right if it is an area I have little expertise in. Others will know the same applies to me. Approach me carefully or not at all in my zero grey areas. Respect I give no matter the difference of opinion on topics of discussion. Respect is given when I see someone can live and let live with their own balance and personality. I love passion and it will ever intimidate me to be around those that are better than me. It will only up my drive to be and do better f I think ita worthwhile pursuit. I am loyal to the end, but that requires the other person showing it. Not always, not when I think it should be shown, but the care shown, even in small acts, at one point or another.

I do not make people care or give time to me. I simply notice and remember “any time” anyone has reached out. That is all that is needed and was needed. If I have kept you on my profile, you have no worries as to what I think of you. It means you all have, in some way, already cemented my reepect or bond no matter other’s opinion on you. We all are in control of our own lives. I will be there for each of you. All you need do is reach out. I hope you don’t. That means your life is going well which is what makes me content for anyone I know. Ups and downs happen. That is not judged in my book. It never will be.

4. I want to further my writing. First, I start with my blog. I have no idea if this will be a cool hobby or major career, but I am going to spend each day shaping my voice. I want to be one of the female writers known for having a strong voice. It is ever in the works and something that never gets old.

5. I want to work on being a great wife and support to Taylor. This level of love and trust came out when we started down this journey together. I’m going to spend time looking up healthy recipes to cook and see what I can do better to help his long days spent at work. We will be a great team and I will be to him hat he has been to me for years. He is my rock. I will now be his as well. I think we’ll make a great team. A mouthy team lol but our help and loyalty is hard to find. We don’t drink, party, or smoke. We achieved this together. Time to tackle fitness and getting more involved.

This year will be one to remember. I am letting go. I achieved what I relentlessly stuck with for three years: clarity. Time to get back to me being happy amd active. Friends will come and go. I appreciate the ones who stay and understand my personality on a deeper level. I plan on actively appreciating you all more now that I can stand on my own again. Love to you all. I hope your pains diminish and your goals hold true. Most of all, I wish for your happiness.

Tired

No matter how bad a decision turned out (if I went into my whole life story we’d be here weighing lesser of two evils lol)..I’m glad I’m the type of person that takes risks. It may have changed me, but I want change over a stagnant personality. A few choices I made were costly. A few were stupid on a level of absurdity. Others, bad, but not worth mentioning. I live life and have done a lot in 25 years. …I regret what was taken from me in violence. It opened up a new world. I never thought it would actually happen to me and it was not a pretty aftermath, but I got through it. No regrets on leaving my family. They had their own way of making someone feel like she couldn’t fight back. If you are always shown how lacking your opinion is, it will get to you over a 19 year long span.

Sheltered or no, I spent years in both settings. Even spent time around shady places because I caved into peer pressure when dealing with shady people. I am beyond that now. I look at people unless I find myself studying a location. My curiosity bit me in the ass…and I still have to check it to make sure it isn’t old, idealistic, impulsive habits kicking back in.

It is presumptuous for a person to look at me trying to emotionally recover (aka leaving my parent’s house) as making a childish, unintelligent decision. Look at my memory….trust me, bad incorporated, I would do the same all over again for the intellectual growth I have experienced since coming out of a space that was controlling, deceptive, and belittling. If freedom from control comes at a cost, I’ll pay it. If only to save the parts of me that took three years to find.

I am free. Confined by fear at times, but still free to say, do, and choose as I please. I did not have those options for many years to a level people do not seem to get. Not extreme…but kind of. That restriction is what got me into trouble. If I had been taught how to have my own opinion, rather than being told what opinion to adopt (on everything), my assessment skills would have been on point. No use going through what ifs.

I am broken and alive. It is a paradox and the two fight each other for superiority.

I am also weary, down to my bone marrow and along my spine. There is a lot I can take at once. Too much and I dwindle away. Too little and I don’t grow. I wish someone had spoken to me on how to handle a weary heart that has seen a lot. My innocence is missed. Reality is cold and forceful. It tears you apart to put you together again, over and over and over again. I am weary of reality. It has scared and scarred me; branded is a good term for it; and my heart is stretched far. Too far away for me to find its beat. My pulse is strong. I don’t want my heart to keep traveling. Broken will be shattered. Pulse will be hard to hear.

I am trying to force my energy to a point of faking it until my body thinks it is real. My mind still races. I love thoughts. My energy will be looked at later.

Fyi. No, I am not going to harm myself. I write to reflect emotions. That does not mean I dismiss rational thought.

Different Neurology

 …I am talked out of AS for a while, but here’s the interpretation of IQ vs. thought process, verbal limitations, and interpretation …I think…I can’t be sure I’m even categorizing right. This is as close a description you will have until I learn more. Trust me. I am trying to figure it out too and it is as weird to not have a solid “answer” yet lol
*************************************\********\*

I was too lazy to move the fruit out of the way. I asked Taylor when we got the pineapple and he said it has been in the same spot for two days. …Attention to detail, hyper-focus, does not apply to my surroundings. Anywhere. My attempts to be observent last for the amount of time I clue in enough to remind myself, which is rare and unintentionally, randomly applied; most of the time it isn’t me reminding myself, but an off hand comment by the person I’m around, saying something that makes me look around because it involves the topic at hand. 

It lasts for a minute or two, or however long scenery is talked about, and then I’m back in my own world, oblivious to everything, but my interests and/or the people I’m around. The thoyght to pay attention is fleeting. Now that I think about this subject, I cant remember the last time I thought “be aware” other than photographing new places and landscapes. …O.O Wow. I never realized the extent of my lack of attention to this until writing it out. I knew I was unobservent…but not to this extent. Lol 

Weird. I guess I focus more on people watching.

The sad part about this is knowing this newfound epiphany will be lost on me once I am past writing about it. Obviously, sketchy surroundings make me focus, but even then if people are around me, I focus my whole attention on the social setting. Never the full setting. People say “if you really want to do it, you can be an aware of everything around you” ….MEH. Agree to disagree, I think. lol 

I have had others frequently remind me to watch where I’m going (same with paying attention while driving), made multiple attempts at applying this, but sincerely state I have an inability to think in sequence when I’m not writing. I dont think in words or with logic until made to talk or when writing. It’s not that my mind is airy, but it is…my verbal limits stem from my mind not recognizing words. It captures pictures instead of words. 

Take a pen out of my hand or remove typing and I feel almost handicapped. I can “socialize”, sometimes well enough that people think I’m only shy, maybe simple if they dont know me well lol but there are no “words” when left to relying on speech. My mind does not register what comes out of my mouth even though I can speak on spot and seem relatively normal. 

The quote “I write to know what I think” literally applies to me. I cant shape full concepts without applying it to paper or screen. …I don’t fully understand it because I have yet to find information that explains my thinking to me. I am struggling to state the full scope of my mind’s crossed wires because I “know” (which is also a struggle to put plain words to) my explanation of my neurology does not come across right in the way as to what “is”. 

This is frustrating. This is also probably why I learn and know factual data on neurological differences, but forget or avoid trying to apply logic to explaining how everything connects. I haven’t found the connection. All I can put words to sum this all up is writing becomes the only way for me to convey “logic” and “sentences” in the way most of your minds interpret data and/or words and words to sentences. Mine shows pictures or is blank until speaking. I dont know how I speak without thinking, but my brain does it naturally.

If I were to sit and “think”, there is no way for me to force it to try thinking in sentences, except when I apply all effort, eyes closed to concentrate and only for one or two attempts can I get a simple sentence out, thought, before I unwind so headaches don’t start. It’s like my brain skips the part of “thought” and interprets to speak. 

So my mind, in your interpretation, is always blank if I can’t write it. It is not meant to say people think I dont think. It is a “literal” definition of my mind when left to itself and speech. I try to explain it in words that interpret what your interpretations can interpret because the way I “know” or “think without thinking”… is not the way an NT’s mind thinks of thought. 

Bridging the gap, the work put into learning your neurology, is the only way I can socialize with even a modicum of understanding in connection through thought… well, connect comfortably. I have connection otherwise, but … it is a lot of work and will continue to be a lot of work. When my mind is forced to reshape, by my own hand, it is, in essence, a mental marathon and it takes a physical toll the way running takes its toll on the body. 

That ^exhausts me more than non-stop, no sleep hours long reading. *sigh* I will leave it there for a while. I have no complete explanation that bridges the gap of understanding. At least not to the full or stunted capacity in which mine connects thoughts and feelings to…you, me, and …everything. I am surprised my mind connects this fluidly in written speech and has sequence when my hands are working. It’s like, suddenly “my brain connects easier”, but my frustration remains in not adequately explaining the “zero forethought”. I know, but do not think (not with words) and when I write, even then my mind is only shaping words as my hands shape letters and sentences. As I am writing a word, I can say it out loud at the beginning of writing it.

To be at this age, to make it to my twenties not knowing that minds had different connections, everything relating to the autistic mind, is hard to explain (awareness would have prevented a lot of confusion and misunderstandings …but that point is moot now)

I thought I was less intelligent than the norm through K-12 and couldn’t complete half a semester at college because my mind didn’t make the connection “write to think” even though I wrote, obviously for homework/in class, but didn’t know I wasn’t “thinking”…just applying muscle memory and it stopping there (which made me stop trying in school, middle school age and up); bad grades, broken self-esteem due to the issues accumulated, influenced most of my life before 23 years old; being uninformed, me as well as all of the people that knew me until my therapist, Cindy, told my mom I may be autistic and asked to work with me (Thank.God. lol), bred depression and anxiety from the time a human starts to recognize social awareness. 

Children recognize and develop this ability, becoming cognizant enough to “notice” ostracism around 7-9 years old or round abouts, and if there is no education on AS… it handicaps a non-NT in so mant ways. It stops a person, eventually, from…interacting, thinking, trying, etc in all areas of life and interchangeably applied negative, repetitive cycles during young (baby to young adult) development, when people (parents, teachers, Dr.’s/therapists who couldn’t put two and two together despite their degrees) tried using all ways NT to teach and train. Which didnt work for obvious reasons. Lol 

You can not force different kinds of neurology to learn “one way, but with different tactics”, or try to bend the way you “want perception to work”, because that is not the natural law or makeup of neurological diversity. That is like trying to take the severly, mentally impaired and forcibly trying to “change the impairment” so that they are no longer like that. Make sense? People work with them, not against them. 

Well. If someone did that, that would equal abuse, but this is its own topic. Same logic applies to those of us who are higher functioning, I think. It is not seen as as abusive or wrong because of how ignorance (new diagnosis=not everyone’s fault because of time delaying knowledge) connects “has a couple of NT appearing traits” with “can do this like this and should be done like taught”. We become the accused for not changing, growing, responding, and reacting in the NT way: “rules and regulations and code of conduct”. 

That is not said with condescension. Until awareness spreads far and is comprehended, accepted, and worked with, we non-NT’s will do the brunt work of shaping ourselves (which leads to brokenness if we and others are ignorant of the diagnoses), as best we can to a NT world. I don’t think that will be realized by the mildly aware or unaware for a long time yet.

The world dictates and judges by NT “generalized beliefs and set standards” for anyone capable of intelligent thought. The higher functioning Aspies have the capacity to think beyond a NT’s scope, when combined with a naturally high IQ, in certain ways and on certain levels/subjects, but that is rarely realized by us and NT’s well read on the topic. When we are born into unintentional ignorance, which is slowly fading away, thanks to awareness, all we have is information and hierarchy, from birth and up, that raises us in a world that stamps “wrong” to a lot that makes us, us. 

Aspies try to change and can, to an extent, but we give up what we are to shapeshift into the world’s concept of: “this is ok and this is the right way to be”. All of the “quirks” we have that set us apart are worked over to “be a fitting member” of the human race. Not to say all is allowed free reign in the first place because everyone shapeshifts to culture until introduced to new ideas, but our perception takes more than “i need to study for this test” and applying the regular waus of going about it (that might be a bad example lol). It is not a fickle statement of “unique is beautiful” lol It is the kind of different that is or was painful.

There was nothing “awesome” about it. My experience (I cant speak for the other stories) was alienation, labels, namecalling, moods I couldn’t control, being able to excel at most anything, etc. and the ripple effects of it all wrappee together. There is a direct correlation between late AS diagnoses and, specifically: anxiety and depression. I hqve read countless blogs and FB sharw commentsru… and we all seemed to hqve gone through, in different variants, the same inner turmoil. 

This isnt explained to interject my story. It is to show the severity of most Aspies. If you meet one, especially one later diagnosed, be compassionate. I’ve been lucky in being given three years, every day, to sit, read, write, and work through and “heal myself” to a point of real change.That amount of time to that extreme of an effort is not the norm, from what I have read and heard. I am weird even on an autistic scale Lol 

In all seriousness, any adults on the spectrum you meet or know, may still be going through the gruelling process of sifting through their inner turmoil. Hell. I have mood swings like I’m pms’ing as an older woman, but the hard hurtles I couldn’t get past in the past, the biggys, got worked out. I went to …creative, reclusive extremes to fix the brokenness.Do not expect that kind of situation to happen with others. If anything, help them by understanding the complexity instead of assuming all interaction is taken as you and many take it. Learn the quirks and the interaction subtleties of an Aspie so that the connection becomes less superficial. It is as simple and complex as that. I dont even know if I’m explaining it well lol

If you know an Aspie and are close to one (the ones that know me well on here have already done this so I’m speaking for others in life you chance upon)…just Google and read a little bit about it if you haven’t up until that point. It has taken Taylor nearly as long as me to get a handle on it lol so read up. AS is lifelong. We don’t “grow out of it” lol 

We spent our lives, the people past teen years before this new awareness movement, doing what was within our capability and will, changing and making hard compromises for the world around us. A little “meet ya halfway” in studying up on it, goes a long way lol 

I Have No Clue What I Am Doing

This is my first attempt to blog. It is without reservation or a feigned attempt to recieve pity reads that I say this is going to be a trial and error, chaotic, unfiltered reflection on my mind trying to make sense of itself and the external world it percieves. So far, my grasp on both is dismal. I am lost. I have been so for a long time. Pieces have been put together, but the overall disconnect is real and unnerving. Rage, sadness, elation, depression, anxiety, and passion work together in one mind and body.

I question if other minds lay dormant, but that may be fantasy having its way with my self pity and imagination. After 25 years, I am tired. It took a lot of built up shit to get me here. Profanity is not seen as intellectual elegance, but that is the suitable word for it. I will tell my story in pieces as my full memory recovers from buried trauma I was reluctant to look at until my Aspergers diagnosis. It was nearly three years ago. I am incongruent parts that make up a congruent whole. This will be my voice. Broken, foul mouthed, a bit bipolar, but my own. It has taken me years to get here. Writing and poetry sears me, but I rejoice for the end of my numbness. Pain and loneliness is not so hard to bear if one is equipped with a strong mind. Maybe too strong. I have fought past my mind’s suppression and repressed memories. It is time my voice and poetry was typed for full viewing pleasure, as heard or unheard as it may be. Just to get it out is enough. Maybe, perhaps, I will find that I am enough. Rantings, poems, ideas, and epiphanies are open as opinions are subject to change.

This is one Aspie’s attempt to find clarity. We will see where it takes us. My future entries will vary in length. They variants are dependent on emotion. Emotions overpower me and I choose to write with rawness or nostalgia. Varients dependent on varying variables. Sigh. Welcome to my Freak Show. The ticket is free.